Why people pleasing is a bigger deal than you think

Any other people pleasers out there? No… ok, just maybe it is just me?

People pleasing is something that I had struggled with for most of my life. It was over the last six years that it was really brought to my attention as a glaring blind spot in my life. Often times, we relegate our need for freedom to be attached to areas such as shame, fear, anger, abuse, etc. It almost seems strange and unnatural to need “freedom” from the desire to make others happy. I recall sitting in a cold cafe in Downtown Manhattan scribbling on the page “Shouldn’t we want people to be happy? What’s wrong with considering others first?”

The truth is – being kind and creating moments of happiness for others is a good thing. I especially love doing little things for my husband Parker that make him feel loved. Parker is what you would refer to as a “Wilderness lover” and loves camping, exploring, being cold in a tent. I much more prefer sandy beaches, white sheets, ocean views and farm-to-table dinners. So, when I obliged to go camping with my husband for our family vacation, he was shocked and overjoyed. A key to loving others is putting their needs and desires sometimes before your own.

If you are a Christian, Jesus calls you to live an unselfish life and to give sacrificially and love others radically. Let’s be clear though, people pleasing is something entirely different. As I wrestled with the tension of people pleasing and sacrificially loving others it became crystal clear. People pleasing is a pressure to perform. It’s a deep desire to be accepted and receive the approval of others in exchange for love and acceptance.

I’ve spoken to a lot of friends and leaders on the topic of people pleasing. The general consensus is “You should not live to try to make people happy” and we can all agree that in some way this is not good for you. However, as I dug deeper into the core of why we people please, I realized that not only is people pleasing “bad” for you – IT IS THE DEATH OF YOU!

woah woah, Jessi …. that seems a little extreme.

Well, just wait.

I believe that if you are constantly living for the approval of others, it is the slow death of who God created you to be. There is a beautiful tension being fully loved by Jesus while obeying Him and being transformed by the Holy Spirit that shapes us into the person we truly are. If you are trying to make people happy, you are not truly serving God.

Galatians 1:10 (NIV)

10 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Sometimes, I read the Bible and think “Is it really saying that? Can God say that? It just doesn’t seem okay within our culture.” When I read this verse, it truly changed everything for me. The verse DOES NOT say “Do not try to seek the approval of man and God because it will make you stressed and is bad for you.” How often to we interpret the scripture this way.  Paul is saying that the two lifestyles are in DIRECT OPPOSITION of each other. You can not be a servant of Christ and seek the approval of man. Period. But why is this such a big deal?

I’ve come to discover that there is a major difference between God being your savior and God also being your Lord. Many of us have lifted up our hands to receive the forgiveness of our sins and receive the grace of salvation. The relentless love of God is an overwhelming gift that we receive and we will spend all of eternity discovering the love that God has for us.

One of my favorite verses says:

Romans 10:9  (NIV)

9 If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

So many of us know this scripture by heart, but we miss a glaring piece of the puzzle. Declaring with our mouth “Jesus is Lord,” means that you are relinquishing control of your life. It means that Jesus is now in charge and can be trusted. The Greek word for Lord in this verse is Kurioj, which is from kuros (supremacy); supreme in authority, by implication, Master (as a respectful title),God. The issue here is, when we are living for the approval of others, we are no longer living as Jesus being the Lord of our lives. Why does this matter? One practical example is:

God may ask you to do something that makes others uncomfortable.

Can you believe it? God is actually not completely concerned with our comfort and how everyone may perceive you. If you want to advance the Kingdom and make a difference in the world, there may be times that He requires you to be counter cultural.

2 Timothy 4:3-4 (NIV)

3 For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. 4 They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths.

This is an especially hard verse for anyone in public ministry. As a preacher, I naturally want people to respond and receive my message. I was recently speaking at a conference and felt a tension between preaching a message that would make the crowd go wild, or preaching the message that God wanted them to hear. When we read the Gospels, we can see that after three years of ministry – the very large crowds that followed Jesus began to thin out and actually oppose Him. His messages were at some times seen as offensive to the general public. As a  society today, we love the quotes and Instagrams images that make us feel good. We follow people that can validate our need to pursue selfish ambitions and justify living differently than the life of following Jesus. Yet, 2 Timothy says there is a time where people will want to suit their own passions vs. the truth of God. If you are living to make the crowd happy, how can you be used by God? Forget the crowd, if you are living to gain approval from anyone else but God you start to enter into a dangerous territory that temporarily satisfies you, but leaves you desperate and craving more validation and affirmation.

So, what can you do?

Unfortunately, I think freedom from this area is a process and there is no “anti-people pleasing” magic pill. Over the last few years I have found that it requires daily choosing to ask God to help you surrender your will and need for affirmation. The truth is, approval is actually addicting. Like any addiction, it takes intention to break its effects. As much as I love social media, it is like the very heroin needle sticking out of your arm waiting for another shoot. About every month or so, I do a platform heart check. I know this sounds funny, but I think it is important to bring the hidden areas of your life to God in an honest way. I ask God to show me areas where I preferred the approval of people over what God was asking me to do or say. What ways does God want me to use the platforms I have? I think it is so important to surround yourself with people that are following Jesus and can speak life into you when the crowds don’t. Meditate on scriptures in Galatians and know what The Bible says about serving God and living a free new life. I pray that as you get free in this area, that the Holy Spirit will add to your faith and give you the boldness and courage to fully surrender to Him and live fully alive for the audience of one.

Have you ever struggled with this before? What do you do to break the addiction of approval?