Daddy Issues
This last Sunday was my first Father’s Day.
My wife and I went to Carmel-by-the-Sea and drove up the coast 20 or so miles sightseeing toward Big Sur. It was an amazing weekend. But Big-Sur, well, the main portion, was closed due to a bridge washing out. Pray for rain in California they said…
The last couple of times I’ve tried to get to the wilderness, there have been barriers. 3 Weeks ago I went to Sequoia National Park, but ended up coming back 2 days early. Funny story here, I found a payphone in the middle of the wilderness, thought I’d be cute and call my wife and tell her I love here. I ended up leaving a message. Then my friend Auston heard the phone ring, so I bummed some change off of him and called back. On the other end was my weeping sick and pregnant wife, my coughing and sick 9 month old son, and a dog with fleas that was itching the hair off her back…FUN. So we promptly left and went home.
I realized something that day. Either God hates me, or he’s trying to teach me something. You see, I used to go to the wilderness for me. He’s taught me in these last two attempts, what it means to be a father. What you do is now for others, and it’s so much better.
But here’s where I’m going. In our society today someone living their life as a father to others is difficult to find. I hear far more dads complain about what their kids do to annoy them, then how fulfilling it is to be a dad.
Yeah, it’s hard, but be a man for God’s sake.
Our generation, can be described in the immortal words of the movie/book Fight Club, “we are a generation of men, raised by women”. We don’t know what it means to be men, to leave things better than we found them, to raise other young men to be kind, compassionate, yet brutal and earthy risk takers. To provide for, defend, and extend the boundaries of the Kingdom of God.
As much as a mom has to offer her son, at some point, she just can’t show him how to be a man, because she isn’t one.
We are becoming more and more separated from generations of men that raised men. So when you find a real man, one that cares for his family, that shows up on time, that keeps his word, that is willing to ‘dare in the arena’. It’s like finding an animal so near extinction you feel they might vanish before your eyes or be shot randomly by a Victorian time traveling hunter.
We are failing as fathers (I’m not just talking about having kids, I’m talking about investing in the next generation as a father figure) and the fruit is all around us.
Men are being told its just better to be more like a woman in this world, when their strength is desperately needed in their family, in their friendships, in their communities.
So what is the fruit of this fatherless-ness?
Look around you.
A society that eliminates over 200,000 babies a year, because, in too many cases, a man, is unwilling to care for the child. Yes it is the woman’s choice, but couldn’t a father make all the difference? This isn’t just a law that needs to be changed, this is killing humans on a mass scale. I thought we said “never again”. MEN…FATHERS CAN MAKE THE DIFFERENCE. Let’s never pretend like you can legislate morality. (ex prohibition era America)
A society that blurs or even eliminates the reality of gender. I understand that this isn’t the most politically or socially expedient thing to say. But gender specificity is the bedrock of civilization. Yes, societies change, but not always for the better.
A generation that “ghosts” commitments. This is not just a dating trend, this is an everything trend. “Change of plans sorry” would suffice, still rude, but would suffice. But a bunch of people are just not saying anything. How dehumanizing. You know, in real life, it really is the little things that make all the difference. This leads to ghosting in marriage, ghosting at work, ghosting your friends. Jesus said let your yes be yes and your no be no, anything more is evil…..Saying nothing, is saying a lot about you.
A generation that is undisciplined and entitled. I got the belt when I was a kid, I was told not to complain, I was told to eat what was put in front of me, I was told to respect those older than me (even if I needed to keep my distance), I was taught to be honest, I was taught to work hard, do the right thing, leave things better than they were, I was taught how to be a father by being fathered.
I’m amazed at how many boys in the bodies of men I’ve met that believe I owe them something, or that the world in general does, or even GOD does. It’s so much easier to be thankful when you realize not a thing is owed to you, but you can give love and kindness freely…
There is so much more I’m sure, injustices in the world. But, really, we need men to be fathers, to make families, to bring healing.
Imagine, just for a second, a world where honesty was the norm.
Imagine a world where men took responsibility for sex, and not just suggested that they keep the child, but take responsibility for THEIR child.
Imagine a world where men kept their word.
Imagine a world where boys became men and took responsibility.
Imagine a world where the nuclear family actually produced more life than brokenness.
Imagine a world with fathers.
Now, you may be thinking you have nothing to do with this, but, especially if you’re a man, you do.
You can be a father figure to someone just behind you on the path of life. The funny thing is, I found I started to take more responsibility for my life when I was responsible for others. The more my life has been taken up in others, the better I have become.
I had a unique situation growing up where most of my elementary teachers and then high school teachers, were men. Mr. Yale, Mr. Swannack, Mr. Harmon, Mr. Adams, Coach K in 7th grade. Then, I had my own father, then, I had guys in there mid 20s at church that included me in things they never should have because I was annoying, then my youth pastors, then a couple of older guys here and there that spoke into my life.
They all fathered me in their own way, maybe not knowing it, but they did. You can be this to someone else. You can be a man of honesty, integrity, risk, and adventure in the life of another young man.
I know, maybe you didn’t get the chance to have an awesome dad like me; but he’ll tell you himself he had his flaws and sometimes just didn’t have a clue what he was doing. (so stop blaming daddy, it’s your life now)
The point is, to love someone, to care about someone else enough to want their life to be better than yours. That’s what a father really wants. He wants life for his kids to be better than the life he had.
So…start discipling young boys in your church, teach them to be men. Be a den leader in the scouts. Be a big brother in the big brothers and sisters program. Don’t worry too much about the details, you just need to CARE DEEPLY. The actions will follow.
Do you think more great fathers could solve many of society’s problems? Comment below.